Dangerousness of Forbidden Love

Sammie's blog > Archives > October 2008 > Click on Mattheu

I reached to a post-Mattheu.

I read until his brother Perry warned him the dangerousness of falling for straight guys,yeah very dangerous for Sammie dude.In his post,Mattheu,his best friend,Sammie kissed Mattheu in his sleep after loss his grandmother.As you know,its hard to had your best friend suddenly kissed you and realized that he is gay!

So I was thinking,I did fall into a straight guy.I knew this guy since we're kid,in other word,his is my childhood friend.We went to same secondary school and the very same class with my best buddy from elementary school.After we're arranged to sits,and I,was sitting behind this mixed heritage dude,wasn't knew his name,suddenly turned his head and

Kyril : Hey Bradley,its me Kyril

kyril-name changed to protect our friendship and prevent misunderstanding

I was shocked when he did knew my name,clearly,in correct pronunciation (later on he sang a song that have a name in it,I liked the song but wasn't knew the song) after not seeing each other for the past 6 years as I had flew back to my hometown-Penang.Then I back here to KL after a year,right after I finished my first elementary.As a kid,I do not knew him anymore (a year seem so long to kid),I wasn't knew him name.We still stay at the very same condominium but later at secondary form 1,I found out he was just schooling next to my school when he was elementary year!So first year I wasn't as I was now,I used to be normal boy,except different family background.

I've change!

When I was on form 2,the looks of him,the looks of good-lookingness,is a key to unseal the other me,sleeping long since I was birth to this world,finally awaken.Yeah the 'thing' is my gayness.I wasn't a gay before.At this part my lead some misunderstanding,so at here,I,Bradley would like to add a few words,that Kyril,IS NOT A GAY,HE IS STRAIGHT!What do I mean he was the key to unseal,is nothing,zero percentage,involved in sexual nor similar actions.Yes no actions on me he did.

Then why he is the key?

Well,for the countless times I looked at him,I realized that,something deep in me,had feeling on him,more than a friend!Was that GAY?For the first time in my life,since I was born,I had my very first crush,and on a guy,HIM,STRAIGHT.Since onward,I always,I mean always,had him in my mind,24/7,365.His hair,his face,hi voice,his actions,his body,everything and everything!A feeling beyond the border between friends-SEXUAL FEELING?

But I know myself,more than others.Wasn't totally gay yet because I wanna to lead a normal life,as other students,boyfriend-girlfriend.I tried my best to think,to have a girlfriend (well I did thought of Florence but at the end,friend and Michelle,the prettiest from elementary but still no feeling,not even wanna have a talk with her) but never once I questioning my sexuality.I thought I'm AC DC or Bisexual.

Its not happen.I confirm myself that I'm totally gay last year May 2008.Last month I really wanna come out to him.First I called him and said I have something to tell him,but when I reached at his door,before I knocked,I nervous and I skip away from there.Then the next night,I was sitting at the staircase.Later on,the lift open and he come out,shocked that I was sitting there alone.

Kyril:(Shocked)Hey Bradley,what you doing here?
Bradley:Oh nothing,just spying someone,stalking.
Kyril :Spying?girl is it?
Bradley:Nope.
Kyril :Guys?(his reaction change)
Bradley:(Uh-oh) nope,I was spying at my house,waiting for my brother,he had the key and I left mine in the house.And I doesn't to wake my mother.(I lied)
Kyril:Hey,is that you called me yesterday?
Bradley:Uh,yes,there's something I wanna tell you.
Kyril :Huh,wait!Is there something to do with my family?
Bradley:Nope,it's about me.Uh can you keep a secret?if I tell you?
Kyril :I'm not sure if I can.But is it gotta to do with my family?

(why is he afraid rumors about his family?)
Bradley:No.Well I want you to know that I was different.

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I was giving him clue to find out myself,yet he still don't get it.
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Kyril :(looking outside)
Bradley:Kyril,I am (tongue tied,swallow my saliva) G....A....Y!

(Picked some of conversations between us)

Right that he did gave a lot of advices,but I wish more.As it's was night 1 am,and he need to rest and the conversation ended there and that the last time we talked.Just nothing,our friendship still continue but everyone busy and he need to spare time with his girlfriend.While I walked home,I told myself:Did I told Kyril that I'm gay?Yeah you're Bradley!You done it,mission complete!You finally told him,the first person,face to face(others by using sms).GAP

Thank you for being there with me,Kyril

So I'm been thinking,should I tell him that why I became different person than he used to know me back in school time?Should I tell him that because of him I discover the real me?But I afraid that will brake our friendship.Is that cool if he know that I had crush on him.Will it happen as the scene between Sammie and Mattheu?