A Little Scribble

 A male-on-male hug I needed!

Crush,

What is that?
Were it the same as love or
Two different things?
Were I in crush or
I've been secretly loving him
For the pass 8 years?

For him,

I support MU even though

I'm "stool legged".

For him,

I wish one day

I'll be driving BMW.

I always have him in my mind

No matter how many hawties

I'm been looking at.

I wanted to see him everyday,

Even there's no talking between us.

If I can't,a picture of him will do.

That will enoughly satisfied me.

Someone please help me to tell me,

Is this crushing or loving a person?

But I'll tell myself that I liking him,

That he is my first crush that make me

Into a person that I comfort with.

Even we couldn't be together,a friendly hug will do.

Actually I already knew,

I already understand that

We're from two different lifestyle.

A boy who love a boy who love girls.

A tilted who love straight.

Even though,

I keep myself strong,

I keep my feet stand still.

When I came out to you and

You don't mind having a gay friend.

I was happy with the acceptment but

I was afraid to confess my feeling.

Afraid that will destroy our friendship,

Even friend we couldn't be.

Even though I can't make a confession,

But I will continue secretly loving you,

until a person could replace you.

Till that moment,

I'll keep this feeling treasured,

Till forever.

Just in case you don't already know,Bad Romance is about in love to a best friend.

Dude Dude Dude

It was at night and I was at somewhere there's everyday activities were going on until late midnight.I was at busy night city at one of my favorite place-Mount Hill of Stars(MHS).Play enough games,read much magazines,viewed many eye candies and walked uncountable steps between mall to malls.

Before the clock struck on 12,before the day end,I bit farewell to MHS and proceed to the rows of clubs and pubs.While my little walk to there,I came across a very dashing,good looking white dude were walking to MHS.Alone he was.He's very handsome that my eyes balls kept looking at him with my face facing straight the street.

A few feet behind him was another dude probably from the Middle Eastern.A young-good-looking-daddy looks,clean shaven with after shaved perma-scruff.Like the white dude in front of him,he was alone too.Could he have stalking the dude?

There's an easier way for walking,err rolling

Thought the 2 dudes satisfied me enough,but whats make the third person?Again,few feet behind both of them appeared another dude,an asian,probably local chinese dude.Also a handsomely enough with the hairstyle of Taylor Lautner,minus the height which shorter some inches.Well,guess what,he was alone too,following the dudes infront .While passing the chinese dude,I couldn't take anymore than I could,I yelped a little hard voice along the breath I breathed,dropping the F word.When I turned my head back,I noticed the chinese dude were looking at me,probably thinking that I was mumbling alone.

3 hawt dudes,1 place,1 moment.Were it just coincident?I think it's just enough for my eye candies views.1 world dude.

One Less Lonely Guy

To be honest,I wasn't easy socialize to a person,I may seem as a friendly person in the net but not at the reality.I'm shy.Shy to friend with someone.I don't think that I've much friends and could counted easily by fingers.To name a few,my best buddy-girl Khanchna,ex-friend Kate,my crush,stranger-but-friendly-in net Nicky and so on that I cant really offered to be named.

Aside hard-to-socialize me,I'm also a very strong silent type but also a talkative when it comes to some interest subject.Almost all the time I'll feel kinky if I couldn't start a simple conversation,as if I was lack in communication,unless we're talking about Q & A.Well,if you found me talk pretty well in the net,try find it out and figure it soon enough when face to face.I just scared of talking because I don't have a good sense of humor or to tell jokes to cherish someone or get someone to laugh at my jokes.I afraid I'll tell the "Third Jokes" and ruin everything.

 As if you could tell what I'm thinking!

Like 2 weeks ago when a net friend invited me to met his new friend and my heart was quick beating because he invited me and of course I wanna join them,but at the same time I felt nervous.I not sure should I join them or not.I'd said that if I can get permission(totally bullshit) but at the end,on that day the meeting,I make excuse that I had to attend my brother's friend' wedding.But the truth is,I never follow him but the wedding is true,instead I stuck in my house with PS2.I felt guilty after that I lied to someone who sincerely invite me and I'd apologize to him soon later by telling the truth.

I really hate my weakened guts,I hate that I don't have bravery.And I promise myself in order to build my confidence and guts,I'll meet him someday.

What Happen In Meadow

I see myself,the other me,or probably myself,in a event.It's was teacher's day,from my hunch.I was one of two contestant who took part in water competition.I look around and I catch two guys sitting on a really tall chair like the badminton judge.One of them is Jin from Hitz.fm,and the other is a really good-looking-cum-handsome-studly dude.Now I know,the event is to choose The Hottest Teacher of the year.Then I saw another person who will compete with me,he look so familiar,the face,and soon I realize that was Haire the dude,with topless bare chest.I was so thrill so see him.Wipe your drool,Bradley!

Somehow I know what we gonna do to.We both need to dive in a really quite deep pool,about 20 feet and at the bottom has 3 alike rat trap cages.1 of it were filled with sinkable balls and 2 empty cages,which represent the 2 teachers.So I and Haire need to compete each other to dive in and insert the ball one at the time,the fastest into the cage of our choice.

I take Kyle and you take Jin,OK?

Fast forwardly,I insert the fourth ball into the studly-stranger dude's cage.Ok lets name him Kyle.One thing I missed was everytime I dive in,I never took a glance over Haire's bare top nor Kyle's or Jin's.With the fifth dive,I see myself slower than Haire,he is in front of me a few inches.Since I have all four balls in Kyle's,why not have him insert into his choice?Then suddenly I saw he insert the ball into Kyle's,not Jin's!Did he just did that?He look at me,smiling,and I don't know what's on his mind!I thought we should compete for the vote,not gather the vote.

To celebrate Kyle's winning of his hawt,all of us three-me,Haire and Kyle.We went to a strange place,a very widely green field,endlessly green field with the countless of sparkling starry night.We sing,we enjoy,we did all guy stuff(not including sex,mind you).With 2 hawt guys and starry night,what could I asked for more!

I think we lost!Helps?

The next morning after the one-in-a-lifetime-night,I know,that something had happened to me,to Kyle,something I was after Kyle--I already had sex with him!!!(thumbs up dude) With my greatest excitement to have sex with him and the deepest disappointment,I unable to catch the sex scene,not a single scene,what I know was we're done sexing!Heck!Haire?How I know where have he been?


Like something has skipped,I was in a car,probably it's time to go back.I was sitting beside to the driver,Phat Pabes of Fly.fm.(BTW I'm a loyal to hitz.fm,then why is Fly were here?)Haire and Kyle were at the back seat,chatting.Hey Haire,wanna swap seat?Suddenly appeared of 2 beautiful young hot chick(spot the different between hot and hawt?),we continue our journey.I looked at the rear side mirror,the reflection from the back showed me something horrible,Kyle was kissing.Not to Haire but a girl.Couldn't see anymore of this straight-romantic kissing,my tear flow down to my cheek.I was heart beaten.


With the sound from the TV my brother playing game,I wake up.I feel the sex-excitement and sadness of betrayal,in my dream.Wish I can find Kyle.

Ready For Meeting

I wake up at 6:30 am and drag my fatigue body to get a quick shower (read:buffalo bath).Arrggghhhh...the water from the shower is so damn cold,dropping from it and hit my body like ice meteor hit earth,I could freeze myself.After wipe with a towel,I grab my blue buttoned with dark blue pant,and brief too if you gonna ask me.With a T-shirt as undershirt,I put on my tie,pin my golden (fake) name tag with the name "BRADLEY" and a logo on my shirt pocket.Buckle my black shoe,a bag on my shoulder and a blazer on my left arm like a businessman as a finishing touché and voilà,I'm ready to stomp out from my house,leaving my PS2 on it death-sleeping mode,my brother will up later and Lawrence,probably he will wake at the noon.

My destination is just across the street I live and some of my colleagues stay there too (it's condos).Take about couple of minutes to reach there.Checking if Haire on his way,not even his shadow I could detect.If only I know when exactly he leave his place.With bunch of different level colleagues,we gather at a spot in the building compound.With Haire as our leader,always begin with "first thing first" while tapping his index finger to another,5 days a week meeting start.

 My blazer please,and please send me too.Please.

I look at my crush (you know who),looking straight to him,analyze him how dashing he is even though he wear the same outfit as us.His handsome face fasten my heart beat rate,like seeing Jesse McCartney;his fit body is waiting me to throw myself to hug him,to inhale his freshened body;his lip is begging me to have a passionate kiss on the spot;my eyes scroll down to his men-man area,wondering if I can see his buldge on his pant,as been told by my best friend Nicholas (not you,Nicky) also a close friend to him,he always had "woody" (man,damn horny he is).If only I has superman's look through power!As the meeting over,I go to my duty place and wish he could come and check on our duty.

That was 4 years ago when I were form 5 student-prefect.Seeing those freshly-holiday-graduated student make me miss my school year.If only 17 Again is happen to me,with the time and space travel back too,with the now me replace the 2006 me.

Aye,the school new term are just started a week ago.

10 Resolution on 10

Year 2009 has passed and here come 2010!Happy New Year 2010 folks!Last year has been much happening to me,yeah,good and the bad.Last year May,I came out to Haire;I started blogging;told my dad that I'm gay but later told him that it's was just joking,really fuck that;and others that I didn't mentioned on this blog.

 First of all,I'll need a place to nap!

2009 has passed,what happened done;2010 new era,what's going happen we don't know.Unless we can predict the future?

This year I'm gonna change myself.From top to bottom.From left to right.From mentally to physically.

• I'm gonna lose more weight until I hit the ideal weight with the height gain too.(currently 6 feet)

• I'm gonna hit my first gay club,a decent one if could,after my 21st birthday and that time I'll need someone to accompany me there.Any volunteer?Nicky?

• I not sure if I'd good looking with glasses or without?What if I get myself a contact lense?

• Laptop is gonna be mine before the end of the year.

• In 3 months,cellphone,cellphone and cellphone.Man I'm gonna take a lot of my favorite celebs pictures.

• I miss my primary school gathering,Annalicia Loke Soke Kwan,where are thou?Hanes Lim,I wanna meet you and those after standard 6 we separated to other secondary school.

• A day after Christmas I couldn't went to the my secondary school gathering which organized by one of my friend,and he didn't showed up due to his relative emergency.And those abs and muscles of Haire's,I wanna feel and see if that true.

• It's payback time.Information strictly secret.

• I did told him I'm gay but haven't told him why.And I want to tell him who'd caused me into this?

• I once completed Suikoden 5 and I played it again.And I wanna replay it again.it's the best among the rest of Suikoden.
  

12 Gifts In 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Laptop
I'm a computer blind and I don't know what kind do suit me.As long it installed with all those freaking stuffs,anti-virus and ready to use.

On the second day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Jack Hart's books 
My First Time: Gay Men Describe Their First Same-sex Experience volume 1-5
Heat: Gay Men Tell Their Real-life Sex Stories
Straight?: True Stories of Unlikely Sexual Encounters between Men
Twink: True Stories in Celebration of Younger Men 
The Day We Met: The Very First Day of Long-Term Relationships 
My Biggest O: Gay Men Describe 'The Best Sex I Ever Had' 
Treasure Trail: Erotic Tales of Pirates on the High Seas
Gay Sex: A Manual for Men Who Love Men

On the third day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Penshoppe Accessories
My friend Lawrence from Phillipine came here and I caught this very cool and stylist wallet.Only available at Phillipine.I had his before he returned as he has a lot in his house(he said it).And a deodorant or some sort of body spray,also belong to him but unfortunately it finish before I can spray on me,and he used it a lot.It has very strong smell that even after wash the smell stays on the clothes.

 Need a bigger sock!

On the fourth day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me: 
Lance Bass's Out Of Sync
I read Reichen Lehmkuhl before a few times and I couldn't find his ex-boyfriend's.

On the fifth day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me: 
Dragon Quest Dai no Daiboken vol.37 (The Great Adventure of Dai)
For 8 years I been waiting that comic volume 35,36 and 37.I bought volume 35 and 36(last 2 years ago) but 37 was out of stock.I know where volume 37 sold at but at Sunway Pyramid.But recently,thanks to One Manga and also to Nicholas aka Nicky,I read the last volume.But I still want the whole set.And volume 6 too which I lost it somewhere.

On the sixth day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Alex Sanchez's Rainbow High
OK,for the fucking fourth time I re-read the first-Rainbow Boys and the third and last-Rainbow Road,I haven't read the second book-Rainbow High.Someone get me that book!

On the seventh day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Lady GaGa's The Fame + The Fame Monster + Unofficial track
Check this out the unofficial track at Lady GaGa

Bet and lose my Santa suit!

On the eighth day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Cellphone
I been using my SE K750i for the last three years as my graduation gift,and the third year fall at new year's eve.Not fancy those touchphone,iPhone or Blackberry,just get me either Nokia 5730 Xpress Music or SE C901 or SE T707 which with WiFi and YouTube.

On the ninth day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Kyle XY Season 1-3(DVD)
Matt Dallas aka Kyle is one hottie guy that I'll drool over.With the innocent and naked body on pilot,I love him!

On the tenth day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Dante's Cove(DVD)
Oh come on Reichen Lehmkuhl!Nice shower you had there.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
My First Gay Friend
I been gay for 8 years but I still don't have a single of gay friend.Anyone volunteer?


On the twelfth  day of Christmas,Santa please sent to me:
Boyfriend
Actually it was not on the list but I want it badly!I don't want a person called himself a boyfriend appear in front of me.I want to know him,to have fun with him until he is everything,then ask him to be my boyfriend.I wanna hold hands,cuddle and all those couple stuff.

OK!Done my Christmas list!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL I KNOW!!!HAVE A BLAST YEAR!!!

The Magazine Journey

Being the gay guy in gonna be 8 years with the first 3 years of bi-curious,but how you know that you're 100% gay?To me,first you must have gay friends,then gay movies,gay musics,gay novel,gay magazines(porn and non-porn),erotic gay stories,gay porn and last,gay sex.

But I didn't achieve the first step-gay friend.

 I need someone like you!

I live in a world of "straight-want-opposite-gender",men loves women and women loves men.I didn't follow the gay step,instead I started with my first view of gay porn(before this was straight porn) last year May.Then I get myself gay novels and read some erotic gay stories online,and 16 erotic gay short stories in a book-Taboo by Sean Wolfe.

Right now,I achieving my fourth step-my very first gay magazine.I know some of gay magazines like Attitude,Instinct(thanks to Janice Dickinson),GayTimes,XY,Honcho(thanks to Nelson Glassman of Alex Sanchez's Rainbow Boys),DNA and OUT magazine.

While I was at this bookstore,an open bookstore in Sungei Wang Plaza where usually I went,2 days ago,I was at men health magazines where I don‘t always at that section.With my eyes browsing at those men health magazines,I caught this magazine with boy with brief,as I look at the magazine title,I just couldn't believe my own eyes,it's was GayTimes(GT).I mean,you just cant get any gay magazine at any book seller shop,and here is Malaysia."I must get this one" I said to myself.I noticed only left two and I quickly grabbed one.Now,GayTimes is mine.With excitement,I quickly browsed the magazine in an instant,in no time.Hmm...nice.Hmm...cute guys.Hmm...fuck,I got a buldge in my pant.I rolled the magazine to avoid people's eyes-to-look-what-you-holding.If wasn't the boy with brief cover,I'll just carry the magazine,show off.

This is the one I bought!

Carry the magazine and owned it,I just cant wait to read it.I had a big smile with huge grin on my face,I just can't resisted the excitement.It just like having a date and gonna meet him.I want to kiss the magazine.I want to have sex with the magazine.

I found myself a quiet spot at Times Square,I scanned the cover.The date was July,which is 5 month ago;price was at £3.75 equal to RM20.75.Fuck RM20 just for a gay magazine?But who's care,its my first gay magazine.I kissed the male model cover,Austin Bloom(the name which I found out later) and started my journey to it.

Journey will be next!

The Lost Last page

Watcha need in girls magazines?A girl fashion models and some hot guys candy.And vice versa to men magazines.

The last girl magazine or women magazine I read was CLEO,few month ago.Of course,for a quite few pages of all women drooled over that issue-the 50 Hottest Bachelors.I've been reading that issue,well,by browsing it and there's a lot of guys I liked,and only two names I could remember,Jin from hitz.fm and of course,Mr Henry Golding.And how I love Henry's dancing for that event.What a contemporaneous with "I-want-you!" screaming.





Yet again,I was in Times Square's Borders for books browsing.As I standing at girls magazine section,I grabbed a bumper issue of FEMALE.First thing,I turned the very last page,where I used to do so whenever I saw that issue few years back then just for a reason.

Wasn't me you fancy?

I remember,somewhere in 2005-2007,I had some copies of FEMALE and to mind you,those are not mine.There's one issue I really love which the last page was my favorite page-the topless till torso of guy candy.In that page there's a guy really caught my eyes,he was so godly handsome that will melt
anyone,and I forgotten his name,his face,everything.And the magazine vanished too!I always fantasize whenever I looked at him,everyday is a must-to-do-list.I just couldn't live without a glance of him everyday.Did I mentioned that I kissed that page of him everyday?

Oh hottie dude,where are thou?

Hugging,My Crush?

As I clicked his picture album in his profile,something make my bottom jaw drop,I thought I'll view some hanging-with-friends pictures,but this picture make me wanna frame it,but at the same time I doesn't want to,because in that picture wasn't him alone.

He is my 7-years crush,Haire the studly looking dude.That picture showed him hugging with another person from the back,with his both arms lock that person body.A human lock,perhaps?

I won't let my jaws drop if he hugging someone but this picture showed me that he is actually doing it to a dude,his school mate.Hmmm...a dude to another dude,hugging from the back,doesn't it looks so fishy?Just like a gay couple,I'd say.

 I think we both loves this.

The Malaysian version of Brokeback Mountain.

To be truth,I am very jealous to his friend.Not a mere jealousness but a strongest jealousy that hit the top of my jealous gauge,more than Henry Golding!How I wish to be hugged by him,to feel the firm of his human lock!Seriously I'll do anything for that.

But I doubt his sexuality,even though he has girlfriends.

Brad:Errr...Haire?
Haire:Yeah?
Brad:So,ummm...that picture,is it...?
Haire:What picture?
Brad:The picture of you,hugging a dude,from the back,so Brokeback Mountain!
Haire:Oh that,was...
Brad:What are you actually?

Could he be bisexual,or experimenting,or gay?(if he was one of those,I hope it was the third).You could answer that question,Haire.

And,I'll keep that picture.My gaydar always sensing him.